I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
You Might Also Like
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.