I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
is this how new cars are made??
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out