BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
You Might Also Like
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.