Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I falcon love using swear birds
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.