I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box