Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.