I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.