[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
cause of death:
autopsy.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale