My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one