I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.