Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot