Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
You Might Also Like
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
A friend helps you before you need it
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The symmetry is uncanny.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Hell yeah 👍
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.