Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target