6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
meanwhile over on facebook
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.