Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I need a headline like this
There is wisdom there.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back