Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
You Might Also Like
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*watches the world burn*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim