Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
For cardio I live beyond my means.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing