Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
twitter is a journey
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.