I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.