After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??