Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!