Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*exercises sarcastically*
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.