Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Ah yes. The three genders
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again