[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
when u come home smelling like another dog
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks