My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I have never related to a cat more
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up