Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Its a hippotatomus
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Coffee for people with no kids
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.