whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today