I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
just having fun
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.