PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.