Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad