*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*