(Electricians.)
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free