Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird