A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
You Might Also Like
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
wut hotdog?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
British websites use biscuits.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.