My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.