Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*