Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I think the cat got the dog high.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Was it something I said?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together