You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
These work great until they don’t.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Has science gone too far?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?