me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.