Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT