Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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This hospital has everything
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
this is how life feels
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one