Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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We need to put an American base on the sun
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
IT’S-A ME,
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?