cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
🚲+physics = winner
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon