Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket