To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.