Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.