“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community