The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆