Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Just how popey was the pope today?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.