[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
me before I type out affect or effect
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.